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Plooshka · Gość

Hello members of www.gierki1001.fora.pl! Smile

Two turtles go camping and pack a cooler with sandwiches and beer. After three days of walking, they arrive at a great spot but realize they've forgotten a bottle opener. The first turtle turns to the second and says, "You've gotta go back and get the opener or else we have no beer."

" No way, " says the second. " By the time I get back, you will have eaten all the food. "

" I promise I won't, " says the turtle. " Just hurry! "

Nine full days pass and there's still no sign of the second turtle. Exasperated and starving, the first turtle digs into the sandwiches. Suddenly, the second turtle pops out from behind a rock and yells, " I knew it! I'm not f-cking going! "

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Terminalus · Gość

Names On The Wall

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. It was covered with names ...and small American flags were mounted on either side of it.

The seven-year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning, Alex."

"Good morning," replied the young man -- still focused on the plaque.

"What is this?" Alex asked.

"Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.

"Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque.

Little Alex's voice was trembling .. and barely audible ... when he asked, "Which service? ... the 8:30 .... or the 11:00?"

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Spectromtr · Gość

A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red 'H' on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue 'Y' on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green 'M' on her chest. "Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor. "No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin, Why do you ask?"

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Pupsters · Gość

SENIOR EXERCISE A friend just shared this AARP suggested exercise for seniors to build muscle strength in the arms and shoulders. It's so easy, I thought I'd pass it on.

The article suggested doing it three times a week.

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-pound potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, then relax. Each day, you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-pound potato sacks. Then use 50-pound potato sacks, and eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-pound potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.

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VaskoBlas · Gość

New Years Resolutions

2003: I will read at least 20 good books a year.
2004: I will read at least 10 books a year.
2005: I will read 5 books a year.
2006: I will read some articles in the newspaper this year.
2007: I will try and finish the comics section this year.

2003: I will get my weight down below 170.
2004: I will watch my calories until my weight is below 200.
2005: I will follow my new diet until I get below 220.
2006: I will work out once a week.
2007: I will drive past a gym at least once a week.

2003: I will pay off my bank loan promptly.
2004: I will pay off my bank loans promptly.
2005: I will be totally out of debt by next year.
2006: I will try to pay off the debt interest by next year.
2007: I will try to be out of the country by next year.

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GastroGirl · Gość

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Two old drunks in a bar. The first one says, "Ya know, when I was 30 and got a hard-on, I couldn't bend it with either of my hands. By the time I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard. "By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem. I'm gonna be 60 next week, and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand"

"So," says the second drunk, "what's your point?" "Well," says the first, "I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get!"

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MusLikeGirl · Gość

Jealous Husband

A jealous husband hired a private detective to check on the movements of his wife. The husband wanted more than a written report; he wanted video of his wife's activities.

A week later, the detective returned with a video. They sat down together to watch it. Although the quality was less than professional, the man saw his wife meeting another man! He saw the two of them laughing in the park. He saw them enjoying themselves at an outdoor cafe. He saw them dancing in a dimly lit nightclub. He saw the man and his wife participate in a dozen activities with utter glee.

"I just can't believe this," the distraught husband said.

The detective said, "What's not to believe? It's right up there on the screen!"

The husband replied, "I can't believe that my wife could be so much fun!"

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Gramophon · Gość

Designated Decoy

One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations. At closing time, he saw a fellow tumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys in five different cars before he found his. Then he sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone else left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.The driver replied, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

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Displeusa · Gość

Englishman, Irishman & Scotsman (all of whom have young, but nubile, daughters) are sitting in the pub when the conversation comes round to the daughters...

Englishman
"The wife told me that my daughter's room was an untidy mess so I went up and had a look. I found a cigarette packet and was astounded, I did not realise that she smoked".

Scotsman
"Yesterday I was in my daughter's room for a similar reason and I found a half empty bottle of vodka. I was astounded, I did not realise that she drank".

Irishman
"Funny enough, I was in my daughter's room the other day and I found a packet of condoms. I was astounded, I did not realise she had a penis".

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SugarsBabe · Gość

Just reported from the Associated Press:

The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in
Washington, DC this 2006 Christmas season. This is not for any religious
reason; they simply have been unable to find three wise men or a virgin in
the Nation's capitol.

There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable

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cheesbuger · Gość

The Newfie Artist

Garge, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist. His fame grew and soon people from all over the country were coming to him in Gander for paintings.

One day, a beautiful young woman pulled up to his house in a stretch limo. She asked Garge if he would paint her in the nude. This was the first time anyone had made this request. The beautiful lady said money was no object; she was willing to pay $50,000.

Not wanting to get into trouble with his wife, Garge asked the lady to wait while he went in the house and conferred with Lena, his missus.

In a few minutes he returned and said to the lady, " Would be me pleasure ma'am. Missus says it's okay. I'll paint ya in da nude, but I has ta leave me socks on so I has a place to wipe me brushes..........."

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Parasuts · Gość

80 live rats escape on flight

People on a flight panicked when 80 live rats escaped from a passenger's rucksack.

It happened on a Saudi Airlines flight to the city of Tabuk in northwest Saudi Arabia, reports Arab News.

The plane was flying at a height of 25,000ft when the rats were spotted running around the floor.

The captain warned ground crews at Tabuk airport who called in specialist teams to deal with the rodents.

It wasn't until the plane landed that it was discovered the rats had been brought on to the plane by a passenger.

The man admitted he had 80 live rats in a leather rucksack which had somehow managed to escape during the flight.

The passenger was handed over to security authorities to continue investigations.

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Macitosa · Gość

My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my tempers.

We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big f***ing red mark on his forehead.

Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond!!! Very Happy

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